Circle of Life

It's amazing how so many things have really come full circle in these first few weeks of senior year. I just got back from a Jason Mraz concert out in Cabazon, and as I was standing there in the crowd, swaying and sifting to the addictive rhythm and flow of the Dynamo of Volition, I thought back to my first Mraz concert at the beginning of senior year in high school, and how much things and life and circumstances have changed since then.

More than that, though, I thought about what hasn't changed, what parts of me are still intact after four grueling, eye-opening years of college.

Four years ago, I was sprinting through my last leg of high school, nervous about college applications and the prospect of leaving the bubble of comfort I had grown up in. I remember having a whole jumble of emotions as I started the year - excited about being top-dog (assuming power over yearbook and Chinese Club seemed to be such a big deal back then), hesitant about figuring out my plans post-graduation, reflective about friendships made within the cardboard walls of Whitney. There was a sense of urgency to the whole year, trying to cram in as much as possible before ending that ever-so-significant phase of life.

It took a lot of introspection and reevaluation to strike a happy balance between work and play, holding on and letting go, and I had to flounder a bit at the beginning of the year before I could upright myself and structure my life in such a way that I wasn’t burning out or always running to catch up.

Now, four years later, I find myself in the same situation. These past three weeks have been hellishly busy, but I really have no one but myself to blame for making it so. I was overextending myself and living from day to day, doing everything just in the nick of time, not really planning ahead or really even taking the time to breathe. Even after my stint in the hospital following the marathon, my mind refused to rest, racing forward to what I had to do the next day following my release. I told everyone that physically collapsing was a wake-up call for me to really slow down in life, but in my head I told myself that I just needed to make myself stronger and even scolded myself for letting myself falter.

I’ve grown up with a need to be busy, to make every moment of my day count. As a consequence, I’ve been filling any empty spaces in my schedule with lunch dates, office hours, catch-up coffees, dinners, meetings…saying “yes” to everyone because I’d rather spend my time focused on them and their problems than on my own. Only problem is that in these past few weeks, I’ve found myself burning out because I’m making myself so available to everything and convincing myself that I can make time for things that I really can’t.

One of the many good things that came out of all those coffees and lunches and dinners and meetings, though, is that I got a better sense of my own skewed sense of priorities. Even though I “knew” that I should slow down and stop attracting unnecessary stress, it took hearing it from multiple people to really set in.

There are only 24 hours in a day.

I am not superwoman.

If I don’t take care of myself, I can’t fully take care of anyone or anything else.

Slow down.

Enjoy it.

Breathe.

There are a million things that still need to be done this weekend, but after really taking the time to stop and take my own advice, I’m realizing that I’m not only happier, but a whole lot more functional. I’m making lists and prioritizing, cutting out the fluff and getting down to what really matters to me.

Putting myself first feels a bit strange, but I’m telling myself that I need to get used to it. Help myself before I can completely help others, and learn to say “no” to commitments.

I won’t worry my life away.

There’s a rhyme and reason to why I love Mr. Mraz’s music so much. True, there’s something soothing about his voice, the way he makes it an art to sing and scat, but beyond that, his music reminds me of senior year and anticipating the next step. Of new beginnings and turnarounds and reassessing. Hearing his songs is a reminder of what has been and what is to come. It sounds dramatic, I know, but music is my life, and each clip of sound is a segment of my soul, pieced together into the person I am now.

Going to the concert really brought home the reality that I’m now in my senior year of college. No more adjustment period. I’ve found my groove and I intend to ride this out till I can’t ride no more. This is it and I’m going to make it the best year yet. I’ve decided.

“You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”