Episodic behavior

Organization is something that I've always craved and yet somehow only been able to achieve halfway. Lists, post-its, calendars, archiving - you name it, I probably do it, all in the name of trying to sort out the important and not-so-important bits of my schedule and life. Prioritize. Rearrange. Budget. Sacrifice.

The problem is, however, that a big part of my motivation to organize and schedule is to form a semblance of routine in the craziness that is the day-to-day - and yet somehow, some way, this motivation isn't enough to fend off the unexpected elements that seem to crop up anyway.

I spent a vast majority of today catching up and organizing a lot of things, preparing for the last stretch. I looked at what I need to do to prepare for finals, for graduation, for my departure from L.A., for so many different occasions that just happen to have definite deadlines.

And seeing things with a finite number of days is a bit jarring.

It becomes a countdown and a horrible march toward the ending of a certain era or period of time. It's like waiting and putting things off because it wouldn't make sense to start what you can't finish in those days, hours, minutes, seconds. It has the potential to be pretty dang depressing.

The upside I can see of this, however, is that I've had a little bit of a revelation. A lot of my life thus far has fallen into segmented parts of a whole, offset by deadlines and lasts and firsts. As much as I enjoy the view that the big picture has to offer, most often, in the moment, it's hard for me to see life as one continuous narrative, strange though that might seem. It's not as though I am able (or want to) drop entire segments and people and events from my consciousness with each end, but I think acknowledging each phase of life as its own separate entity has become a coping mechanism of sorts.

It's easier to accept that things are coming to an end if you know that there is a new beginning tucked away behind that ending.

Maybe this is the only way I know how to deal with inevitable endings. Easier to compartmentalize than to go through life being bummed out by the unavoidable twists and turns that life has to offer.

Everything happens for a reason, and nothing happens by accident.

Even if it doesn't seem it at the time, every road leads to a certain end goal. It's just that most people are afraid of detours and getting lost along the way. But what fun is it to drive in that straight path from Point A to Point B if you know exactly where you're going? No surprises? Straight lists?

Couldn't do it. Everybody needs to organize so they can prepare for the unexpected.

I think a big part of organizing and divvying up life into different segments is to mentally assure ourselves that we have a bit of control over the unpredictability of the future. But really, it's more about the bigger narrative than the small components that make up that narrative. In the long run, capping a certain time frame and pushing it out of mind is probably not the healthiest way to go. It's less emotional involvement that way, but it's a lot less living too.

And that's something that I'm working to change.